Identity: You Are Bigger Than What You Do
Here are some thoughts on Identity and how you can become both better with women and more successful in life, but first a word from my illustrious boss, Nick Savoy!
Now back to the story, hope this is helpful…
A few years ago an ex girlfriend pointed out what turned out to be a large flaw in my character. “When I ask you how you’re doing,” she said, “you start giving me a run down on all the projects you’re working on instead of telling me how you are doing.” At first I brushed it off and kept plowing forward with the consulting projects I was working on, but later I pondered what she said for a moment and realized there was some truth in it.
Is that something you can relate to? Are you so wrapped up in trying to make progress and achievements in your career, college or social life? I sure was and the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I needed to make a change. The final straw came when I attended Braddock and Mr. M’s incredible Inner Game seminar. Braddock posed the simple question “Are you bigger than this, or is it bigger than you” as a catch-all that can be applied to anything that is causing you stress in life.
The takeaway here, and I think this is especially applicable to Asian guys, is that developing an identity that is both separate from, and greater than any of the activities, goals and relationships in your life is crucial to have success with women. I spent some time thinking about what constitutes me and my identity as an overarching concept of self that’s bigger than whatever I’m doing throughout the day.
I came up with some attributes like “passion for learning,” “adventurous and faces fears,” and “values loyalty and humility.” These are qualities that are more broad and far-reaching than the way I used to communicate with people, giving them a run down on new projects I closed, what grades I was getting in school or how many phone numbers I got at the clubs last weekend. What qualities and attributes describe you and how have you been selling yourself short but just focusing on your achievements?
Over the last three years I’ve spent a lot of time in Asia. Doing business, learning Chinese and having fun with some beautiful Asian women has been a thrill. Something I’ve noticed in this part of the world is that many people put their families first and have high expectations of success and accomplishment placed on them, especially in China where most families have just one child.
There is a lot of pressure to conform to social norms and live up to parental expectations, but I encourage you to also take the time to develop your own individual personality. When you take the time to define what it is that has personal value and meaning to you, then you can begin to convey these qualities to girls and position yourself as not being “just another typical Asian guy,” which will do wonders for building attraction amongst Asian girls.
You can start small by pursuing some passion or interest that you’ve had but never made the time for. This could be taking an improv comedy class, becoming a better singer (great for KTV or studying up on Confucian analects. Whatever it is, take some time to develop your own individual identity and make sure to bring it up early and often when you are out meeting new people. This will set you apart from most other guys and can be the beginning of re-defining yourself as the person you want to be…not just the person that others see you as.
Stay Out of the Let’s Just Be Friends Zone – In Asia and Beyond
* * * * *
Over the last couple weeks Savoy and I have been communicating back and forth with some members of the Love System’s community in Asia. I’m excited to discover that there are a number of people in China (both expats and locals alike) that are taking this part of their lives seriously.
Some people have a very mistaken belief about Love Systems and seduction. They think that Love Systems is “American” and so would be different in another culture.
Of course that’s not really right. Most Love Systems instructors are not Americans. Most Love Systems instructors live outside the United States. Some of the most senior Love Systems instructors are ethnically Korean, Chinese, Sri Lankan., etc.
The reason I’m so passionate about Love Systems is that everything we teach is rooted in observing real interactions with real people, trying out ideas and keeping what actually works. It’s kind of like applying the scientific method to dating and relationships….kind of
Anyhow here are some emails that Savoy and I exchanged with a Shanghai-based member of the community, hope they help:
Date: Sun, 02 Jul 2010 10:29:08 -0700
Subject: Dating in China
I am taking this part of my life seriously. I purchased the Routines Manual 1 and 2, Phone Game and the Magic Bullets Handbook from you. It is the one part of my life I want to improve on. I do have a question. I notice that I mostly end up as “lets just be friends” and I am starting to realize that means I am not making a physical move earlier. I wish I could fix my inner game because this happens quite often. Any advice or tips?
I do have a question. Does Love Systems material work across different cultures. I live in Shanghai and there are heaps of attractive women but I think due to the language they may not understand push/pull, cocky/funny, etc. What is your take on that?
Finally, do you have any Love Systems instructors in China? I may be interested in a one on one worksheet or to take a boot camp. I want this part of my life figured out and I appreciate the weekly newsletter.
Date: Sun, 03 Jul 2010 07:49:28 -0700
Subject: Re: Dating in China
It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’ve been hearing a lot about Shanghai since Starlight got there. Have you read his blog by any chance?
Avoiding let’s just be friends is often, indeed, a matter of making the overall frame of the conversation more flirtatious, sexualizing the conversation as appropriate, and touching. At some point you need to make a statement of interest in her. Two common times to do this are 1/ with your opener, if you are being direct, or 2/ during qualification. I lot of people skip qualification and it’s a bad idea. One of the big benefits of it is you can then say to a girl, without creeping her out, “wow, I really like X and Y about you. It makes me think we could have a lot in common,” or something like that. It makes the overall context (romantic/sexual) less ambiguous. Let me know if you see what I’m getting at here – if not, I can explain in more detail with more examples.
Love Systems definitely works around the world; the experience of our trainers worldwide had fed into everything we do.About 1/3 of LS instructors don’t have English as their first language. Starlight’s blog (above) has some good material on this. There was also a study done in Hong Kong on whether Love Systems works as well there as in the rest of the world. Here’s the link. Now that’s not to say that cultural and linguistic differences are irrelevant. Of course they are relevant – some phrases, jokes, conversation patterns need to be adjusted for another language, some things may be more or less appropriate, but in general, the bottom line is the same. Do NOT listen to girls who want more spoiling or guys who are making excuses for themselves who tell you that Shanghai or Chinese girls are different for some reason and so you can’t have the same expectations. I started learning Love Systems in the Persian Gulf. My first lay using stuff that eventually became Magic Bullets was with a local girl who normally wore the chador. If it can work there, it can work in Shanghai.
Date: Sun, 03 Jul 2010 07:49:28 -0700
Subject: Re: Re: Dating in China
How’s it going? Savoy let me know that you were in China and forwarded me some questions you had as well as some sticking points you were running into. I’ve been in and out of China consistently for the last 2 years, and now live in Beijing. Perhaps I can help.
Let’s Just Be Friends: The best way to stay out of the “friend zone” is to state your interest early and often. Personally, in almost all cases, I’ll approach a girl and say something along the lines of “Listen, I know this is really forward, but I noticed you from across the room with my friends and I’d really regret if I didn’t come over here and say you look absolutely gorgeous tonight” – You can substitute gorgeous with something more specific if you like, “you have a really unique sense of style, I had to say you look very well put together and fashionable” – or any other variation.
Now, this is the first thing I say. And if it hits, it amps up the attraction straight away. So I usually diffuse it with something a little less intense, like “What’s the occasion tonight?” or “What are you guys up to?” – something that wouldn’t be too useful if it was the first words out of my mouth. From there, you Transition into some Attraction material. If you’re stuck on this one, a go-to line I’ll use is:
“Well I have some friends visiting this week. We don’t get to see each other that often, but we’ve always made it a point to get together a couple times a year…and this time we’re all in Shanghai, so I’m in charge of showing them a good time! Are you from here?”
Then you can get her to suggest an activity that is not to be missed. If it sucks or is typical, you can tease her about it. If it’s awesome then reward her with a high-five or a hug.
Logistical Progression: Then continue on talking, and remember to keep changing locations within the venue as your conversation continues. I can’t overstate this enough. Keep changing locations every 5-25 minutes. It may seem like a small thing, but try it.
Our brain stores memories as individual images…more like a snapshot, than a movie. So if you meet a girl at the bar and have a great conversation for 20 minutes, exchange numbers and part ways, she only has one memory of you “the guy she met at the bar.” On the other hand, if you meet at the bar, talk for 5 minutes, introduce her to your friends and chat for 10 minutes, then go outside and get some fresh air and talk for another 5 minutes, the difference in her recollection is remarkable. With these three logistical moves (inside the same venue) she will have a much richer memory of you, and that builds comfort which could be the difference between her answering your call or meeting up at a later time.
Physical Progression: When you first approach, let your hand lightly brush against her fingers. See if she responds, or wraps a finger or two around your hand as you deliver your opener. Great way to screen for attraction off the bat. Second, when you’re sitting and talking (ESPECIALLY in Asia) public displays of affection are not always acceptable. Put a pillow over your lap, or your jacket, and hold her hand underneath it. Massage the pressure point in between the thumb and forefinger lightly while talking.
If you do these things, it is pretty hard to end up in the “friend zone” even if you are not telling her how hot she looks every five minutes. You are subcommunicating that you’re interested in her as more than a friend with the physicality, and don’t forget to tease a bit and be willing to walk away if she gives you attitude or is a jerk. Continue having a great night and she may well come back and talk to you if she thinks she made a mistake by disqualifying you (ie: you’re having fun no matter what…it’s her loss!)
Hope this helps.
Other Similar Posts Include: Finding Yourself a Chinese Lover – What Not To Do
Touchdown in Beijing and I’m Already Famous: How Confidence, Pre-selection and a Camera Can Up Your Game
~ This Just In: Starlight on China Daily TV ~
It has been all of one week since I arrived in Beijing and I’m already famous. Ok, maybe that is a bit of an overstatement, but I’m still reeling from the events of today which culminated in me being filmed for a featurette by China Daily TV!
So for the last 5 days I pulled back from the whirlwind of activity that accompanies four back-to-back Love Systems workshops, each in a different country. I’ve been studying Chinese four hours a day at one of China’s top schools, and getting to know all my new classmates, eating spicy Sichuan food twice a day and generally chilling out.
But the truth is, I was just waiting for the weekend to roll around so I could back out into the sea of people that I love to swim around in. And that is definitely a fitting metaphor for China, where the concept of “personal space” hasn’t exactly taken root yet. Following a couple days of heavy rain, the skies opened up and were crystal clear. Sun shining down on the capital city, and we all headed out to Hou Hai, which is a man made lake in the center of Beijing, surrounded by bars, restaurants and labyrinthine alleyways called Hutongs.
Bounding down narrow alleys in the back of a rickshaw, climbing the bell tower to look out across the city, and taking a boat ride in the lake; it was the perfect release after studying hard all week. Then, as the sun receded behind willow trees and ancient ornamented walls, my mind turned towards girls, beer and adventure.
One of the great things about being a student is the opportunity to leverage The Hub and Spoke Model I wrote about before. Essentially, by cherry picking a good group of guys and girls to go out with, irrespective of whether I’m hitting on any of them, there is built-in social proof and pre-selection. This helps tremendously in reducing approach anxiety and general inspires me to do pull crazy ass stunts to keep things interesting.
So, we’re sitting on the docks of Hou Hai as the twilight wanes, and I notice two people about 30 feet away with a professional looking camera on a tripod. I wander over to investigate. In fact, it is a camera crew for China Daily TV, one of the state-owned media behemoths in this sprawling country. I’m intrigued…and the anchorwoman is cute.
The following takes place in Chinese…or, to be honest, Chinglish:
“Hey, how’s it going? Looking for a good story?”
“Doing good, thanks, you?”
“Yeah, I’m good. Just chilling with a bunch of classmates” …and I wave over to about 20 people lounging by the lake.
“Oh yeah? What are you guys doing?”
“Well, let’s see, we rode rickshaws through the Hutongs and sang ‘Beijing Huanying Nin’ (2008 Olympic theme song) on the lake, and now…”
“Haha, you’re such a tourist”
“Um, I like to think of myself as a traveler, but anyhow…so, you guys breaking a big story here at Hou Hai? I got one for you; Tall white guy leaves the comforts of America to take his chances in the heart of the Middle Kingdom”
“What’s the angle?”
“That I’m awesome, and I’ll do pretty much anything on camera”
…at this point, one of the cuter girls I was hanging out with comes over and pokes me asking if I’m flirting with another girl. The camerawomen, who we’ll call Red Star, asks if it’s my girlfriend. I just roll my eyes and say, “Oh man, here comes 20 questions, at least roll tape” or something like that.
And we banter on for a while, but I made enough of an impression where Red Star agreed to film us. But a little later on. So I get her number and we break off and she gets back to her regularly scheduled programming, while we take a sunset boat ride on the lake.
Then an hour later or so, I ring her let her know we’re back in the area and ask if they’re free. Green light.
So we meet up in front of the main gate to Hou Hai amidst hundreds of Chinese both young and old kicking around what looks like a cross between a hackey sack and a shuttlecock. Red Star and her cameraman get the gear set up and she switches to “work mode” which I find totally hot:
“OK, heres the deal. We’re going to ditch the study abroad bit and talk about the World Cup game tonight. Be enthusiastic, smile a lot and look at the camera”
Fine with me. Here is a little secret. It doesn’t matter what we’re talking about. The fact that I’m standing in a highly visible area on a Friday night, getting interviewed by China Daily TV is social proof on steroids.
Lights. Camera. Action! There is a mic in my face, a crowd is gathering and I’m talking in mixed Chinese and English about how much I want Brazil to kick Netherlands ass tonight in the game. Then Red Star invites some of my friends into the shot and we all cheer as if we’re watching the game.
Then things get weird. Here is a vignette on “cultural differences” for you. All Chinese TV stations are owned by the state. And they will not broadcast anything other than very happy, smiling faces, excited to be alive and happy to be in China. So we do 30 seconds of filming where we are just cheering and dancing (with no music playing) and now there is about 100 people gathered around us watching with bemused, albeit stoic, looks on their faces.
Red Star studied in America. She speaks perfect English. And it was cool to see a girl that knows what freedom tastes like, but also knows how to play the Chinese media game to a tee.
We wrap up the shoot by inviting some nearby Jordanian Tae Kwon Do fighters into the shot and we’re all cheering for Brazil. I’m front and center holding the mic. Signing off. Aaaaaand, that’s a wrap.
Literally 10 kids rush up and ask to take pictures with me. I feel famous for about 30 seconds. It’s cool.
Then we all exchange contact details and when Red Star and I have a moment of relative isolation I tell her I’d like to get together again and ask if she would like it if I gave her a call. The answer is yes. We hug and give each other a faux kiss on one cheek. I rejoin my friends and we cruise back into the throngs of people walking alongside Hou Hai to grab a beer and laugh about it all.
“This is Jesse Starlight, signing off from Beijing”
Aside from this being pretty damn fun overall, there a couple key takeaways here. Did you catch them? My confidence and generally unaffected attitude when I approached piqued Red Star’s interest enough to give me the time of day. And even though I wasn’t really trying to hit on the friends I was out with, I’d bet 5-to-1 that the girls in the group just formed a very different impression of me than they had when I was studious Starlight all week long. In the end, maybe I’ll get Red Star and the cute chic that came up to us when we were first talking. But the means to that potential end involves putting myself out there with the very-real chance that I’d crash and burn and embarrass myself at anytime. Yes, that totally happens sometimes. But I really don’t care too much, or think about it for more than a couple minutes when it does happen.
Public Service Announcement: Go out. Do something crazy. Make your unborn grandchildren proud of you decades in advance of their arrival. You have nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Oh yeah, and it’s whack that Brazil lost…
Peace from Beijing,
Shanghai Installation to Starlight’s China Travelogue: Finding Yourself a Chinese Lover – What Not To Do
Shanghai Installation of Starlight’s China Travelogue
Finding Yourself a Chinese Lover – What Not To Do
Now I’m in Shanghai, overlooking this most impressive city from Carbeau’s sick apartment in Pudong. Big shot out to Carbeau for letting me crash here for a while before I complete my move to Beijing!
In China, things are changing veryvery fast. The city is markedly different than my first arrival not even two years ago, when Eskay brought Mr M and myself to Shanghai on a whim, introducing us to his former home and opening my eyes to a country that will only play an increasingly larger role on the world stage.
Now the World Expo is going on and Shanghai has completed a very major facelift to the central part of the city, effectively relocating a huge main road underground to make room for the Expo grounds and clear up some serious traffic congestion. Standing on Pudong side of The Bund as evening falls, it’s hard not to think that this is THE most impressive city I’ve ever seen. Well done China, well done.
But more to the point of this post, I want to share some highlights from a few very candid conversations I’ve had in the last couple days. I have a girlfriend here in Shanghai, let’s call her Yi Wan Nan…which loosely translates to “Desire of Ten Thousand Men,” a title I’m sure she wouldn’t argue against, and which I’ve found to be pretty fitting. She is the daughter of a Chinese military officer and grew up in Shanghai, which essentially places her above 95% of the population in terms of lifestyle, access to opportunity and privilege. Not least of which is speaking perfect English at a relatively young age, having never left China.
China is a very big place in just about every regard, geographically, population wise, and economically. Yi Wan Nan doesn’t think Shanghai is a part of China. And she makes a pretty good point. Prior to the Communist Revolution in 1949, Shanghai was occupied by a number of colonial powers, with the French and British being chief among them.This city, perhaps more so than any other in China, is a cultural hot pot and international playground. Driving 100 miles in any direction would give a vastly different perspective on what it means to be Chinese. One which bears zero semblance to this bustling megatropolis, which sports the world’s tallest building and World Expo on the same street. So I see her point.
Shanghai is synonymous with money and commerce.This is not the political seat of power, and historically Shanghai has enjoyed a special status in the Chinese pecking order, having been granted the privilege to send a fixed amount of tax receipts to the Central Government and keep the rest to reinvest, build and prosper. So, naturally this is the first stop for most entrepreneurs, moneymen and thrill seekers.
All to often, those with financial success find themselves lacking in the Love department. And, perhaps because they have found money a solution to myriad other obstacles in life, they believe that money alone can buy love. Or at least companionship.
Let’s Learn a New Word: Ernai
Ernai: ?? [èrn?i] – kept woman; second wife; mistress
It is pretty common here for married Chinese businessman to take on a mistress, which is called an “Ernai” or “second wife.” The benefits are pretty good. The ernai receives a salary that can amount to thousands of US dollars per month, her own apartment, and shopping privileges in exchange for cooking, cleaning and “servicing” the businessman whenever he wants. The ernai can also become a social fixture that the businessman uses to impress colleagues.
Her beauty alone becomes something of a “social bargaining chip” that gives the businessman “face” in social situations. Others are impressed that this guy has such a beautiful girl by his side and infer that doing business with him will bring them good fortune (and perhaps beautiful girls) as well. Thus, a somewhat perverse cycle is perpetuated, and girls of great beauty internalize the lesson that they can earn 10x the amount they would with a college education by being subservient and retaining their youthful charms so long as nature allows.
What this looks like in practice, and why you should never be that guy
Well, a couple years ago Yi Wan Nan was leaving a nightlife hotspot in Shanghai. In the lobby a well-dressed German man approached her in the lobby and asked her to come back upstairs and have a drink with him. Let’s call him Schnitzel. By her account, it went something like this:
Schnitzel: “Hey, you’re beautiful, why are you leaving?”
Yi Wan Nan: “I’m tired.”
Schnitzel: “Come back upstairs and have a drink with me”
Yi Wan Nan: “No, I’m tired, I’m going home”
Schnitzel: “Please, just one drink, come upstairs for a little bit”
Yi Wan Nan: “No, I’m leaving, stop asking me.”
Schnitzel: “Well here, at least take my business card. Let me call you”
Yi Wan Nan: “Fine, whatever…”
Schnitzel: “OK, I’ll call you, let’s get together, I want to take you out”
Literally, probably one of the lamest pickup attempts ever right? But, with little more than this to go on, Schnitzel proceeded to write emails and send text messages for over a year. Yi Wan Nan claims to have responded to maybe 1 out of every 15 attempts to contact her, and with the briefest responses possible.
Then, perhaps just out of sheer curiosity, Yi Wan Nan agreed to have dinner with Schnitzelafter literally 14 months of him badgering her no end. Recognizing that it was “now or never” Schnitzel pulled out the Big Guns and told her to meet him at the Shangri-La hotel, one of Shanghai’s finest, overlooking The Bund in the heart of central Pudong district.
Dinner for two came out to be around 20,000RMB (which is like $3,000!), and consisted of blueberry champagne, imported beluga caviar and the most exclusive Wagyu steak on the market. Yi Wan Nan told me that she had to pinch herself to see if she was dreaming…all the while not feeling the least bit of attraction towards Schnitzel, who seems to have nothing going for him other than an endless bankroll.
But the real kicker came after dessert, when Schnitzel busted out a pair of 200,000RMB Tiffany diamond earrings in a plush velvet box and asked Yi Wan Nan to be his ernai in Hong Kong.
Schnitzel: “I want you to have these, please try them on”
Yi Wan Nan: “I can’t take them, I barely even know you”
Schnitzel: “A beautiful women deserves a rich guy. Take them. I want you to come be with me to Hong Kong”
Yi Wan Nan: “What do you mean? Move to Hong Kong with you?!”
Schnitzel: “Yes, you can have your own apartment and credit card with no limit… my assistant will take care of anything you need”
Yi Wan Nan: “You want me to just sit around and do nothing all day, what if I want to go somewhere?”
Schnitzel: “You can do as you please. A beautiful girl deserves a rich man. Come with me”
Yi Wan Nan: “No. And I can’t accept these earrings”
Schnitzel: “Why? Please take them. Here is the card for my assistant. She can arrange everything”
Yi Wan Nan: “You are not listening. I’m not a trophy to sit on your mantle. And you don’t know the first thing about me. Thank you for dinner. Goodbye”
Schnitzel: “Wait…let me walk you out”
Yi Wan Nan: “Fine.”
And then he tried to kiss her repeatedly in the elevator down. She turned away each time, and was spared further embarrassment when a Japanese couple entered the elevator halfway down. At the ground floor, she got in a taxi and left. The End.
Epilogue and Moral to The Story
I’ve read about things like this in books, but honestly that was the first time I’ve heard a first-hand account of so brazen an entreaty. Despite laughing a few times throughout the story, my jaw just dropped out of amazement.
Perhaps to some Chinese girls this would have been the pinnacle moment of their life. Elevated from humble origins to the bourgeois by virtue of money alone, like some Asian rehashing of Cinderella. Yi Wan Nan is not that girl. And quite frankly I’d lose all respect for her if she considered the option for more than 10 seconds. Not that I’d blame her really, but that would run counter to everything I admire about her.
…and, in fact, the story only reinforced my attraction to her; for her individuality in a country of conformists. For choosing to work at her fashion boutique and make her own way in the world, as opposed to sitting in a penthouse somewhere in Hong Kong bored out of her mind with Schnitzel kowtowing to whatever whim fit her fancy.
So, whereas she recounted these events whilst laying by my side, and whereas we essentially fell for each other the first night we met, I took the chance to ask her what it was that she saw in me.
“You are good at communicating. You have interesting conversation, and want to know who I am as a person. Plus you are interested in my country’s language and culture. But really, being good at communicating is the big thing. That guy didn’t see past my surface, and thought that he could buy me to…be his pet…or worse. It was gross.”
Putting The Story in Context – The Emotional Progression Model
I’m not just going to sit here and pat myself on the back for being a good conversationalist. From my perspective, that comes secondary to the circumstances under which we met, and the resulting first impressions she formed of me.
It was my first night in Shanghai. Eskay had brought Mr M and I to this awesome city and got a table at Bar Rouge on The Bund with about 15 other friends. Champagne was flowing, and we were dancing on the tables. A friend of a Eskay’s introduced me to Yi Wan Nan as I lounged on a velvet sofa with a flute of champagne in my hand and smile on my face.
We talked for a moment and I tried (and failed) to say something to her in Chinese. Then I went and danced some more with everyone in our group. A little later on we bumped into each other and we went out to the balcony to talk some more in a quieter place. Overlooking the glowing neon spectacle, which is Shanghai, we talked at length and I conveyed my enthusiasm at being in China for the first time with friends both new and old.
While the old maxim holds true: “In order to be interesting, one must be interested,” let’s not sugarcoat the reality of the situation. Had I just approached her in the lobby, alone, asking her to come back upstairs and have drink with me, it would have gone nowhere. The fact that we met through friend-of-a-friend, while at a table in a nice club, surrounded my people all enjoying ourselves counts for A LOT when it comes to first impressions.
This triggers three very powerful Attraction Switches, which are Preselection, Social Savvy and Indifference. Ironically, the fact that I was caught up in my own world, having a good time (as opposed to desperately looking for companionship by myself at a bar) is what caused Yi Wan Nan to be intrigued enough to have that conversation on the balcony with me in the first place.
So, while I won’t discount Yi Wan Nan’s reasons for liking me and kicking Schnitzel to the curb, I would add to it by saying that if she was not attracted to me in some way first, any conversation we had would have significantly less impact. And quite likely that would just lump me into the “Let’s Just Be Friends” category, instead of building comfort leading towards intimacy.
Until next time. Stay classy Shanghai,
~ Jesse Starlight ~
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I’m staring headlong in the Peoples Republic of China. Literally. From my hotel on Hong Kong island, I can see Kowloon across Victoria Harbor. Kowloon is the very tip of a peninsula called the New Territories, which became Chinese territory about 10 years ago when Britain gave them back.50 miles inland from Kowloon is the Peoples Republic of China border.
Tomorrow I cross the harbor, walk through the border, and don’t come back until Autumn. And I couldn’t be more excited!
After two intense bootcamps with Future in Singapore and Hong Kong, my intense lust for Asian women is temporarily satiated. That is, of course, a temporary condition. One which can easily be remedied by a short walk through Lan Kwai Fong district any given night…or The Bund if you’re in Shanghai…or Hou Hai if you’re in Beijing.
I need both hands and most of my toes to count the number of times I’ve heard “The Speech” in the last week alone. It’s as if there is some secret pamphlet that gets circulated to Asian girls mere moments before they don miniskirts and makeup for the first time, instructing them how to tell guys:
“Asian girls just aren’t like that. We need to be taken out and taken care of before we get romantic with a guy. You know, we have a different culture here, and you need to treat us real well before we even think of sleeping with you”
The worst part is, so many guys have accepted this dogma as fact without trying to poke any holes in the argument. Or trying to poke anything else for that matter.
After three Love Systems tours through Asia and helping many many guys over this booby trap (no pun intended), I’m calling “Shenanigans!” Not even three hours after a cute Singaporean girl delivered a particularly eloquent version of The Speech to my man Future…in reference to me hitting on her…did I take her home and disprove the whole faulty premise.
Bragging? Not my style. But someone has got to call a spade a spade. And this Summer. This hot, humid, awesome Summer of 2010. That someone is me!
“Cultural Differences” is the catch-all buzzword for that guys ascribe to whatever limiting beliefs get in the way of their Asiatic romantic interludes. Yes, there are definitely some cultural differences between China and, say, America. But they are more due to the way censorship shapes the way people use technology, then they are to some differing means by which boys and girls become lovers.
o ”I had fun talking, but I gotta get back to my friends. Let’s stay in touch though!” – Well, she won’t be your new Facebook friend. At least not in mainland China where Facebook is port-blocked.
o ”Come on back to my place, I gotta show you this awesome new YouTube video!” – Not gonna work here buddy. Same story. Censored.
Ditto that for Twitter, FourSquare, and pretty much anything else where the Chinese thought police can’t exertdirect editorial content control.
Sooo, what exactly does that leave? Well, text messages and phones still work last time I checked. And Chinese are all about instant messaging (QQ.com in the mainland, but most other IM clients work too).
“But Starlight, Starlight, how can I keep up with your awesome tweets and bad-ass facebook status updates when you go behind the Great Firewall?” – Ah! Good question young padowan. And fortunately I’ve got a solution
Over the coming months I’ll be deep inside the belly of the Dragon. Studying Chinese, making new friends and tinkering with a new business idea. All the while you won’t miss a beat. Why? Because I got some special special secret sauce going on that let’s me access the Internet just like I was back home in the only city with more hot girls per capita then parking meters (San Francisco…obviously!)
So, with no further ado. I hereby kickoff Starlight’s Summer Travelogue: Busting Myths and Delivering the Goods from within The Middle Kingdom!
Let Freedom Ring,
~ Jesse Starlight ~
Love Systems Asian Style – Busting Myths and Delivering the Goods is another post by Dating Coach Starlight. Other similar posts include:
Lifestyle Design: Integrating Your Interests into Your Lifestyle
aka: How To Make Your Life Kick Ass
Summer is just about here, and for many, myself included, it is finals week at school. My brain is literally bursting with new ideas from a semester of studying intently and not traveling that much. Next week I board a plane and start Summer 2010 (Yesss!!) and then it’s off to all corners of the globe for Love System’s workshops, visiting friends, and studying Chinese in Beijing. So before the madness begins, I want to get down a concept that I’ve been kicking around for a while.
This is a strategy for minimizing time spent on low-return activities, and enjoying the things you spend your valuable time on as much as possible.
Let’s start by identifying the three distinct areas of your life where you spend around 80% of your time. Then identify the activities that incorporate at least two of your these areas of focus. Finally, we identify the activities that involve all three areas.
This is the Sweet Spot where you should spend as much time as possible, with the next option being engaging in activities that involve two of the areas. And looking for as many ways as possible to batch, eliminate or delegate the activities that are mundane and administrative in nature, pertaining to just one area of your life.
Let’s use my life as an example:
For me, I spend the vast majority of my time at least one of these areas. I study Chinese and Political Economy at UC Berkeley, I continually start new businesses and consult to others on theirs, and I teach Love Systems all around the world, meeting most of my girlfriends in the process.
Generally, I try to insist that anything I spend over 1-2 hours on incorporates at least two of these areas. Like these:
Academic <-> Professional: Having launched a custom USB flash drive provider that manufactures in China and sells to US customers, I have a real-world sandbox to analyze Political Economy concepts I learn in school…and my Chinese language studies help considerably in building rapport with my Chinese colleagues.
Academic <-> Social/Dating: Since I’m generally interested in Asian girls, and teach Love Systems workshops in SE Asia, my Chinese language skills help win points with the kind of girls I like.
Professional <-> Social/Dating: Love Systems Instructors get a chance to work with very accomplished people from all walks of life. I constantly learn from clients and have been introduced to people one or two degrees of separation away that have helped me professionally. Additionally, some girls that I’ve met by virtue of honing my social skills, have gone on to work with me on various business projects.
Braddock and Mr M coined my favorite word to describe the Sweet Spot, and it is “Supernova!” Which is an explosion of energy that compounds and builds on itself, often times shining so bright that it illuminates an entire galaxy. You should always be orienting towards going “Supernova,” which is the opposite of just meandering through the day and going with the flow. The Sweet Spot is when you find the activities that involve all your interests! When you’re doing these things you are firing on all cylinders, you’re highly motivated and therefore are an active participant because these things add so much value to your life.
And now for a word on Value: Value is subjective. The things that YOU find value in are different from what your neighbor, friend or lover finds value in. And these things change over time. So identifying and keeping track of your interests and passions is an ongoing, dynamic activity in and of itself.
Now, the Sweet Spot!
Given my interests, the Sweet Spot activities involve traveling to Asia to work on Love Systems program, where I meet the kind of girls I like, and can develop my business interests, which overlay with the topics I study. Here’s some current examples:
- Inviting an investor from UK to meet me in Hong Kong, where we met for the first time in a high-end nightclub where we had bottle service, and proceeding to travel to South China, visit manufacturers and secure his investment…. Then using the experience as the basis for completing a school assignment.
- Putting together an Asian Business Consulting group at school and making sure to flyer the Asian sororities.
- Becoming close with my Chinese Economy professor, who introduces me to large sourcing agent in Beijing, where I’m moving for the Summer to study Chinese and develop a new business idea.
These are just some of the most recent examples that popped into my head. When my interests were different, the same idea applied, but the actual activities that gave me the most satisfaction focused on different topics, in different parts of the world.
So, the idea is to get a handle of what exactly it is that you’re interested and passionate about. Then to identify the activities where there is some overlap, and the Sweet Spot where you should try to spend as much time as possible. And finally to minimize or eliminate the activities that fall outside your purview of your interests.
The final point is the focus of many books/articles, namely The Four-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss, so I’m not going to go into it too much here. For example, when I have administrative work to do for school or work, I try to “batch” these tasks into a short block of time and give 100% focus to complete them all as fast as possible and be done with it. Another strategy is to deal with automate tasks like paying bills, bookkeeping, travel planning etc.
I could write so much more on this topic. If you guys are interested, I’d consider starting a Lifestyle Design Q&A on the Attraction Forums and answering everyone’s questions for a few weeks.
Either way, let’s toast to a great summer. First summer of the new decade! Clink-clink, cheers!
~ Jesse Starlight ~
Lifestyle Design: Integrating Your Interests into Your Lifestyle is an article by Dating Coach Starlight