Archive for the ‘Lifestyle Design’ Category
Shanghai Installation to Starlight’s China Travelogue: Finding Yourself a Chinese Lover – What Not To Do
Shanghai Installation of Starlight’s China Travelogue
Finding Yourself a Chinese Lover – What Not To Do
Now I’m in Shanghai, overlooking this most impressive city from Carbeau’s sick apartment in Pudong. Big shot out to Carbeau for letting me crash here for a while before I complete my move to Beijing!
In China, things are changing very very fast. The city is markedly different than my first arrival not even two years ago, when Eskay brought Mr M and myself to Shanghai on a whim, introducing us to his former home and opening my eyes to a country that will only play an increasingly larger role on the world stage.
Now the World Expo is going on and Shanghai has completed a very major facelift to the central part of the city, effectively relocating a huge main road underground to make room for the Expo grounds and clear up some serious traffic congestion. Standing on Pudong side of The Bund as evening falls, it’s hard not to think that this is THE most impressive city I’ve ever seen. Well done China, well done.
But more to the point of this post, I want to share some highlights from a few very candid conversations I’ve had in the last couple days. I have a girlfriend here in Shanghai, let’s call her Yi Wan Nan…which loosely translates to “Desire of Ten Thousand Men,” a title I’m sure she wouldn’t argue against, and which I’ve found to be pretty fitting. She is the daughter of a Chinese military officer and grew up in Shanghai, which essentially places her above 95% of the population in terms of lifestyle, access to opportunity and privilege. Not least of which is speaking perfect English at a relatively young age, having never left China.
China is a very big place in just about every regard, geographically, population wise, and economically. Yi Wan Nan doesn’t think Shanghai is a part of China. And she makes a pretty good point. Prior to the Communist Revolution in 1949, Shanghai was occupied by a number of colonial powers, with the French and British being chief among them. This city, perhaps more so than any other in China, is a cultural hot pot and international playground. Driving 100 miles in any direction would give a vastly different perspective on what it means to be Chinese. One which bears zero semblance to this bustling megatropolis, which sports the world’s tallest building and World Expo on the same street. So I see her point.
Shanghai is synonymous with money and commerce. This is not the political seat of power, and historically Shanghai has enjoyed a special status in the Chinese pecking order, having been granted the privilege to send a fixed amount of tax receipts to the Central Government and keep the rest to reinvest, build and prosper. So, naturally this is the first stop for most entrepreneurs, moneymen and thrill seekers.
All to often, those with financial success find themselves lacking in the Love department. And, perhaps because they have found money a solution to myriad other obstacles in life, they believe that money alone can buy love. Or at least companionship.
Let’s Learn a New Word: Ernai
Ernai: 二奶 [èrnǎi] – kept woman; second wife; mistress
It is pretty common here for married Chinese businessman to take on a mistress, which is called an “Ernai” or “second wife.” The benefits are pretty good. The ernai receives a salary that can amount to thousands of US dollars per month, her own apartment, and shopping privileges in exchange for cooking, cleaning and “servicing” the businessman whenever he wants. The ernai can also become a social fixture that the businessman uses to impress colleagues.
Her beauty alone becomes something of a “social bargaining chip” that gives the businessman “face” in social situations. Others are impressed that this guy has such a beautiful girl by his side and infer that doing business with him will bring them good fortune (and perhaps beautiful girls) as well. Thus, a somewhat perverse cycle is perpetuated, and girls of great beauty internalize the lesson that they can earn 10x the amount they would with a college education by being subservient and retaining their youthful charms so long as nature allows.
What this looks like in practice, and why you should never be that guy
Well, a couple years ago Yi Wan Nan was leaving a nightlife hotspot in Shanghai. In the lobby a well-dressed German man approached her in the lobby and asked her to come back upstairs and have a drink with him. Let’s call him Schnitzel. By her account, it went something like this:
Schnitzel: “Hey, you’re beautiful, why are you leaving?”
Yi Wan Nan: “I’m tired.”
Schnitzel: “Come back upstairs and have a drink with me”
Yi Wan Nan: “No, I’m tired, I’m going home”
Schnitzel: “Please, just one drink, come upstairs for a little bit”
Yi Wan Nan: “No, I’m leaving, stop asking me.”
Schnitzel: “Well here, at least take my business card. Let me call you”
Yi Wan Nan: “Fine, whatever…”
Schnitzel: “OK, I’ll call you, let’s get together, I want to take you out”
Literally, probably one of the lamest pickup attempts ever right? But, with little more than this to go on, Schnitzel proceeded to write emails and send text messages for over a year. Yi Wan Nan claims to have responded to maybe 1 out of every 15 attempts to contact her, and with the briefest responses possible.
Then, perhaps just out of sheer curiosity, Yi Wan Nan agreed to have dinner with Schnitzel after literally 14 months of him badgering her no end. Recognizing that it was “now or never” Schnitzel pulled out the Big Guns and told her to meet him at the Shangri-La hotel, one of Shanghai’s finest, overlooking The Bund in the heart of central Pudong district.
Dinner for two came out to be around 20,000RMB (which is like $3,000!), and consisted of blueberry champagne, imported beluga caviar and the most exclusive Wagyu steak on the market. Yi Wan Nan told me that she had to pinch herself to see if she was dreaming…all the while not feeling the least bit of attraction towards Schnitzel, who seems to have nothing going for him other than an endless bankroll.
But the real kicker came after dessert, when Schnitzel busted out a pair of 200,000RMB Tiffany diamond earrings in a plush velvet box and asked Yi Wan Nan to be his ernai in Hong Kong.
Schnitzel: “I want you to have these, please try them on”
Yi Wan Nan: “I can’t take them, I barely even know you”
Schnitzel: “A beautiful women deserves a rich guy. Take them. I want you to come be with me to Hong Kong”
Yi Wan Nan: “What do you mean? Move to Hong Kong with you?!”
Schnitzel: “Yes, you can have your own apartment and credit card with no limit… my assistant will take care of anything you need”
Yi Wan Nan: “You want me to just sit around and do nothing all day, what if I want to go somewhere?”
Schnitzel: “You can do as you please. A beautiful girl deserves a rich man. Come with me”
Yi Wan Nan: “No. And I can’t accept these earrings”
Schnitzel: “Why? Please take them. Here is the card for my assistant. She can arrange everything”
Yi Wan Nan: “You are not listening. I’m not a trophy to sit on your mantle. And you don’t know the first thing about me. Thank you for dinner. Goodbye”
Schnitzel: “Wait…let me walk you out”
Yi Wan Nan: “Fine.”
And then he tried to kiss her repeatedly in the elevator down. She turned away each time, and was spared further embarrassment when a Japanese couple entered the elevator halfway down. At the ground floor, she got in a taxi and left. The End.
Epilogue and Moral to The Story
I’ve read about things like this in books, but honestly that was the first time I’ve heard a first-hand account of so brazen an entreaty. Despite laughing a few times throughout the story, my jaw just dropped out of amazement.
Perhaps to some Chinese girls this would have been the pinnacle moment of their life. Elevated from humble origins to the bourgeois by virtue of money alone, like some Asian rehashing of Cinderella. Yi Wan Nan is not that girl. And quite frankly I’d lose all respect for her if she considered the option for more than 10 seconds. Not that I’d blame her really, but that would run counter to everything I admire about her.
…and, in fact, the story only reinforced my attraction to her; for her individuality in a country of conformists. For choosing to work at her fashion boutique and make her own way in the world, as opposed to sitting in a penthouse somewhere in Hong Kong bored out of her mind with Schnitzel kowtowing to whatever whim fit her fancy.
So, whereas she recounted these events whilst laying by my side, and whereas we essentially fell for each other the first night we met, I took the chance to ask her what it was that she saw in me.
“You are good at communicating. You have interesting conversation, and want to know who I am as a person. Plus you are interested in my country’s language and culture. But really, being good at communicating is the big thing. That guy didn’t see past my surface, and thought that he could buy me to…be his pet…or worse. It was gross.”
Putting The Story in Context – The Emotional Progression Model
I’m not just going to sit here and pat myself on the back for being a good conversationalist. From my perspective, that comes secondary to the circumstances under which we met, and the resulting first impressions she formed of me.
It was my first night in Shanghai. Eskay had brought Mr M and I to this awesome city and got a table at Bar Rouge on The Bund with about 15 other friends. Champagne was flowing, and we were dancing on the tables. A friend of a Eskay’s introduced me to Yi Wan Nan as I lounged on a velvet sofa with a flute of champagne in my hand and smile on my face.
We talked for a moment and I tried (and failed) to say something to her in Chinese. Then I went and danced some more with everyone in our group. A little later on we bumped into each other and we went out to the balcony to talk some more in a quieter place. Overlooking the glowing neon spectacle, which is Shanghai, we talked at length and I conveyed my enthusiasm at being in China for the first time with friends both new and old.
While the old maxim holds true: “In order to be interesting, one must be interested,” let’s not sugarcoat the reality of the situation. Had I just approached her in the lobby, alone, asking her to come back upstairs and have drink with me, it would have gone nowhere. The fact that we met through friend-of-a-friend, while at a table in a nice club, surrounded my people all enjoying ourselves counts for A LOT when it comes to first impressions.
This triggers three very powerful Attraction Switches, which are Preselection, Social Savvy and Indifference. Ironically, the fact that I was caught up in my own world, having a good time (as opposed to desperately looking for companionship by myself at a bar) is what caused Yi Wan Nan to be intrigued enough to have that conversation on the balcony with me in the first place.
So, while I won’t discount Yi Wan Nan’s reasons for liking me and kicking Schnitzel to the curb, I would add to it by saying that if she was not attracted to me in some way first, any conversation we had would have significantly less impact. And quite likely that would just lump me into the “Let’s Just Be Friends” category, instead of building comfort leading towards intimacy.
Until next time. Stay classy Shanghai,
~ Jesse Starlight ~
Shanghai Installation to Starlight’s China Travelogue: Finding Yourself a Chinese Lover – What Not To Do is another post by Dating Coach Starlight
Other Similar Posts include:
Love Systems Asian Style – Busting Myths & Delivering The Goods
Dispatch From The Middle Kingdon: Yuanfen, Guanxi & The Infinite Skyline of Shanghai
Love Systems Asian Style – Busting Myths and Delivering the Goods
I’m staring headlong in the Peoples Republic of China. Literally. From my hotel on Hong Kong island, I can see Kowloon across Victoria Harbor. Kowloon is the very tip of a peninsula called the New Territories, which became Chinese territory about 10 years ago when Britain gave them back. 50 miles inland from Kowloon is the Peoples Republic of China border.
Tomorrow I cross the harbor, walk through the border, and don’t come back until Autumn. And I couldn’t be more excited!
After two intense bootcamps with Future in Singapore and Hong Kong, my intense lust for Asian women is temporarily satiated. That is, of course, a temporary condition. One which can easily be remedied by a short walk through Lan Kwai Fong district any given night…or The Bund if you’re in Shanghai…or Hou Hai if you’re in Beijing.
I need both hands and most of my toes to count the number of times I’ve heard “The Speech” in the last week alone. It’s as if there is some secret pamphlet that gets circulated to Asian girls mere moments before they don miniskirts and makeup for the first time, instructing them how to tell guys:
“Asian girls just aren’t like that. We need to be taken out and taken care of before we get romantic with a guy. You know, we have a different culture here, and you need to treat us real well before we even think of sleeping with you”
The worst part is, so many guys have accepted this dogma as fact without trying to poke any holes in the argument. Or trying to poke anything else for that matter.
After three Love Systems tours through Asia and helping many many guys over this booby trap (no pun intended), I’m calling “Shenanigans!” Not even three hours after a cute Singaporean girl delivered a particularly eloquent version of The Speech to my man Future…in reference to me hitting on her…did I take her home and disprove the whole faulty premise.
Bragging? Not my style. But someone has got to call a spade a spade. And this Summer. This hot, humid, awesome Summer of 2010. That someone is me!
“Cultural Differences” is the catch-all buzzword for that guys ascribe to whatever limiting beliefs get in the way of their Asiatic romantic interludes. Yes, there are definitely some cultural differences between China and, say, America. But they are more due to the way censorship shapes the way people use technology, then they are to some differing means by which boys and girls become lovers.
• ”I had fun talking, but I gotta get back to my friends. Let’s stay in touch though!” – Well, she won’t be your new Facebook friend. At least not in mainland China where Facebook is port-blocked.
• ”Come on back to my place, I gotta show you this awesome new YouTube video!” – Not gonna work here buddy. Same story. Censored.
Ditto that for Twitter, FourSquare, and pretty much anything else where the Chinese thought police can’t exert direct editorial content control.
Sooo, what exactly does that leave? Well, text messages and phones still work last time I checked. And Chinese are all about instant messaging (QQ.com in the mainland, but most other IM clients work too).
“But Starlight, Starlight, how can I keep up with your awesome tweets and bad-ass facebook status updates when you go behind the Great Firewall?” – Ah! Good question young padowan. And fortunately I’ve got a solution
Over the coming months I’ll be deep inside the belly of the Dragon. Studying Chinese, making new friends and tinkering with a new business idea. All the while you won’t miss a beat. Why? Because I got some special special secret sauce going on that let’s me access the Internet just like I was back home in the only city with more hot girls per capita then parking meters (San Francisco…obviously!)
So, with no further ado. I hereby kickoff Starlight’s Summer Travelogue: Busting Myths and Delivering the Goods from within The Middle Kingdom!
Let Freedom Ring,
~ Jesse Starlight ~
Love Systems Asian Style – Busting Myths and Delivering the Goods is another post by Dating Coach Starlight. Other similar posts include:
Dispatch From The Middle Kingdom: Yuanfen, Guanxi and the Infinite Skyline of Shanghai
Lifestyle Design: Integrating Your Interests into Your Lifestyle
Lifestyle Design: Integrating Your Interests into Your Lifestyle
aka: How To Make Your Life Kick Ass
Summer is just about here, and for many, myself included, it is finals week at school. My brain is literally bursting with new ideas from a semester of studying intently and not traveling that much. Next week I board a plane and start Summer 2010 (Yesss!!) and then it’s off to all corners of the globe for Love System’s workshops, visiting friends, and studying Chinese in Beijing. So before the madness begins, I want to get down a concept that I’ve been kicking around for a while.
This is a strategy for minimizing time spent on low-return activities, and enjoying the things you spend your valuable time on as much as possible.
Let’s start by identifying the three distinct areas of your life where you spend around 80% of your time. Then identify the activities that incorporate at least two of your these areas of focus. Finally, we identify the activities that involve all three areas.
This is the Sweet Spot where you should spend as much time as possible, with the next option being engaging in activities that involve two of the areas. And looking for as many ways as possible to batch, eliminate or delegate the activities that are mundane and administrative in nature, pertaining to just one area of your life.
Let’s use my life as an example:
For me, I spend the vast majority of my time at least one of these areas. I study Chinese and Political Economy at UC Berkeley, I continually start new businesses and consult to others on theirs, and I teach Love Systems all around the world, meeting most of my girlfriends in the process.
Generally, I try to insist that anything I spend over 1-2 hours on incorporates at least two of these areas. Like these:
Academic <-> Professional: Having launched a custom USB flash drive provider that manufactures in China and sells to US customers, I have a real-world sandbox to analyze Political Economy concepts I learn in school…and my Chinese language studies help considerably in building rapport with my Chinese colleagues.
Academic <-> Social/Dating: Since I’m generally interested in Asian girls, and teach Love Systems workshops in SE Asia, my Chinese language skills help win points with the kind of girls I like.
Professional <-> Social/Dating: Love Systems Instructors get a chance to work with very accomplished people from all walks of life. I constantly learn from clients and have been introduced to people one or two degrees of separation away that have helped me professionally. Additionally, some girls that I’ve met by virtue of honing my social skills, have gone on to work with me on various business projects.
Braddock and Mr M coined my favorite word to describe the Sweet Spot, and it is “Supernova!” Which is an explosion of energy that compounds and builds on itself, often times shining so bright that it illuminates an entire galaxy. You should always be orienting towards going “Supernova,” which is the opposite of just meandering through the day and going with the flow. The Sweet Spot is when you find the activities that involve all your interests! When you’re doing these things you are firing on all cylinders, you’re highly motivated and therefore are an active participant because these things add so much value to your life.
And now for a word on Value: Value is subjective. The things that YOU find value in are different from what your neighbor, friend or lover finds value in. And these things change over time. So identifying and keeping track of your interests and passions is an ongoing, dynamic activity in and of itself.
Now, the Sweet Spot!
Given my interests, the Sweet Spot activities involve traveling to Asia to work on Love Systems program, where I meet the kind of girls I like, and can develop my business interests, which overlay with the topics I study. Here’s some current examples:
- Inviting an investor from UK to meet me in Hong Kong, where we met for the first time in a high-end nightclub where we had bottle service, and proceeding to travel to South China, visit manufacturers and secure his investment…. Then using the experience as the basis for completing a school assignment.
- Putting together an Asian Business Consulting group at school and making sure to flyer the Asian sororities.
- Becoming close with my Chinese Economy professor, who introduces me to large sourcing agent in Beijing, where I’m moving for the Summer to study Chinese and develop a new business idea.
These are just some of the most recent examples that popped into my head. When my interests were different, the same idea applied, but the actual activities that gave me the most satisfaction focused on different topics, in different parts of the world.
So, the idea is to get a handle of what exactly it is that you’re interested and passionate about. Then to identify the activities where there is some overlap, and the Sweet Spot where you should try to spend as much time as possible. And finally to minimize or eliminate the activities that fall outside your purview of your interests.
The final point is the focus of many books/articles, namely The Four-Hour Workweek by Tim Ferriss, so I’m not going to go into it too much here. For example, when I have administrative work to do for school or work, I try to “batch” these tasks into a short block of time and give 100% focus to complete them all as fast as possible and be done with it. Another strategy is to deal with automate tasks like paying bills, bookkeeping, travel planning etc.
I could write so much more on this topic. If you guys are interested, I’d consider starting a Lifestyle Design Q&A on the Attraction Forums and answering everyone’s questions for a few weeks.
Either way, let’s toast to a great summer. First summer of the new decade! Clink-clink, cheers!
~ Jesse Starlight ~
Lifestyle Design: Integrating Your Interests into Your Lifestyle is an article by Dating Coach Starlight
Dispatch From The Middle Kingdom: Yuanfen, Guanxi and the Infinite Skyline of Shanghai.
Dispatch From The Middle Kingdom: Yuanfen, Guanxi and the Infinite Skyline of Shanghai.
Yuánfèn – The Taoist concept of the universe as a piece of fabric, with each of our lives as threads weaving patterns throughout. At the intersection of the fabric’s warp and woof is where Yuanfen occurs.
Often times our lives go in cycles, something like concentric circles rolling forward simultaneously, yet at different speeds and sizes. The primary areas of our lives can generally be categorized as Health, Wealth and Relationships, with many sub categories assigned to each one. Every once in a blue moon all the wheels synchronize for a brief moment and it becomes clear, in hindsight how the previous revolutions of these giant cogs propelled us to the place we stand, allowing a moment of respite and appreciation for sowing the seeds that reap a rich harvest.
That’s an encouragement to set goals and work diligently, if not unglamorously at times, towards achieving them. It’s having the sense and sobriety to realize where you stand in relation to your goals, and not pointing the finger at someone else for goals that still may seam out of reach.
I’m in Shanghai, overlooking the infinite skyline from a suite in Hyatt on the Bund. The very same view that captivated me and Mr. M last August when ultra-successful entrepreneur and international playboy Eskay flew us out here on a whim to meet Chinese business, life and ladies up close an personal. It was a trip that changed the course of my life. No joke!
In the midst of wild parties, champagne bubble baths and Shanghainese bedroom acrobatics, Mr M and yours truly sat overlooking the Bund river, listening in rapt attention as Eskay elucidated his views on business in China, his theory of relationship building and the best ways to enjoy financial success in style around the world.
That conversation was the last alignment of all the “wheels” in my life…knee deep in 8-weeks of social mastery training on Project Rockstar, assisting on Love System’s bootcamps with my pick-up heroes who I had followed from afar for years prior, and shedding the skin of my former life as an investment banker and director of a renewable energy company…in favor for aspirations of being a international playboy with a business that runs itself, learning languages and cultural nuances along the way.
After that illustrious trip, which is all documented on the Project Rockstar 2008 thread, I set forth with a new set of goals, some of which were:
• Build an automated 4-Hour Workweek style business with net profit of $15,000+/mo.
• Attain conversational fluency in Mandarin Chinese
• Acceptance to one of the top Universities in the world
• Become a Love Systems Instructor
Now sitting in the same hotel that catalyzed that life change, looking out on Shanghai’s skyline dance with lightning, it is satisfying to reflect for a moment that all of those goals are realized. It feels good to work hard for something you believe in and to achieve it against many odds and through difficult circumstances.
Many people ask me “How did you get this lifestyle?” or “How are you able to travel the world all the time? Don’t you ever have to work?”
Just to be clear; I do love my life and my lifestyle. It is not an accident or an anomaly when I find myself in Norway watching the Northern Lights or in whispering Mandarin words of love to a porcelain-skinned goddess of the Middle Kingdom. No! When I come across people on my path, they are seeing a small cross section of a much larger goal become manifest.
I don’t believe in accidents. But I do believe in Yuanfen, or the concept of destiny occurring when the stage is appropriately set.
So the million-dollar question is how do you live the life you’ve always dreamed of? It can seem so far away when mired in a 9-5 or doing homework at 10pm on a Friday. But as counterintuitive as it may seem, it is at these lows and doldrums that your true visions of grandeur should be born.
It is always a good reality check to ask yourself “Has anyone on earth done this before?” – If the answer is yes, as it usually is, then there are living breathing resources to help you find your way towards a brighter future. Find them. Find out more about those that have gone before and learn from their experiences. Let them fill in the blanks between where you are and where you want to be.
Guānxi – The basic dynamic in the complex nature of personalized networks of influence and social relationships; the concept of accumulating and leveraging social capital and a central concept in Chinese society.
Mr. M and Braddock, creators of Social Circle Mastery and Inner Game, know about Guanxi. Eskay wrote the book on Guanxi. I am on my Guanxi learning curve and I recommend that you join us. Guanxi describes the properties of the social fabric. When you know the physical and conceptual properties of social interactions, the underlying matrix becomes visible and you can predict and affect outcomes with a greater degree of certainty.
I could write all about the missteps and failures lining the road to my current position in life. The setbacks, the heartache, the uncertainty. Being blown out and lost in foreign countries. And while those stories are hilarious at times, and harrowing at others, I would rather sum all of those bumps in the road up as follows:
Expect that there will be setbacks when you chose to go against the grain and strive for something better than what your peers and colleagues experience. Don’t let the expectation of setbacks and obstacles prevent action, if you value the end goals as worthy. Only YOU can attribute value to a goal, to a lifestyle, to accomplishments. If you’re pursuing practically any course of action to appease someone else, you’re selling yourself short of your own unlimited potential.
Anyways, once you put in the work, all the doubters, haters and mitigators will be asking how you did it. Then the ball is in your court to share your knowledge that is won from experience…or not. That knowledge, won from experience, is your Guanxi bargaining chip and can be used to exchange value with others who hold additional pieces to your learning puzzle.
It all comes down to taking a good look at yourself and identifying what you need to know to accomplish your goals. Then identifying where and how you can best get that knowledge. Yuanfen is the fabric of the life and Guanxi is the way to navigate the patterns of the cloth. Think of two as intertwined like DNA in a self-reinforcing double helix shape. One plays off the other, like two sides of the looking glass. You look into the crystal ball, asking for what you want and you see the way you’re viewed from the crystal ball’s inverted perspective.
Opening yourself to experience Yuanfen is equivalent to signing up for a class you are interested in. Applying Guanxi is the way to get the most out of the class and send you sailing down new threads of the Yuanfen life-cloth, where your threads will intertwine with others on similar lines.
In Project Rockstar 2009 – I am making it my life’s work for 8 weeks to give as much value as possible to 6 lucky individuals. Alongside a world-class instructor team, versed in all aspects of game and social dynamics, I will seek to impart all the accumulated knowledge that I’ve gained from traveling the Yuanfen silk road all over the globe.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming of Shanghai shenanigans, spicy Sichuan peppers, Chinese techno dance clubs, and porcelain skinned beauties of the Orient.
Closing thought. If you want to join Mr M and I for a weekend of Yuanfen, Guanxi and full immersion in all things pick-up related, come to our Hong Kong bootcamp July 24-26!
Zai Jian!
~ Shanghai Starlight ~